As teachers, we often feel we are supposed to have all of the answers, that we should never have to ask tough questions because we should just be able to tell people--students, parents, other teachers (spouses!) what to do, how to do it, how it happened, how it is, etc. However, I have found that asking questions is generally much more powerful, much more likely to get the results we want, and in the end, it goes a lot farther in building a trusting relationship with both students and adults alike.
The child I was referring to was in trouble--again--for kicking another student. He is what we sometimes refer to in education as a "frequent flyer" i. e., he spends a lot of time in the office or in "time out". He consistently makes the wrong choice when he is put in situations where he could potentially make a better choice. He is always seeking attention, usually the negative kind. He's smart so he knows that if he changes the subject or if he gives an alternative answer to your question you might lose focus and let him off the hook. He was not expecting my series of questions today and it threw him for a loop and ultimately brought him to tears. Children with these characteristics don't usually like to be introspective, they don't want to reflect. They just want to blame other students, the teacher, their parents, anyone but themselves, feel sorry for their punishment, and then act out again. We need to find a way to change this and I think asking the right questions might be a good starting point.
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| There's a balance between too stern and too friendly and asking the right questions doesn't mean you have to act like this teacher. Image courtesy of Getty Images. |
We had a good discussion. Every time he answered my question, I asked him a new one. "What happened? Why did you kick her? What else could you have done? How would that have been different? What other choices could you make? Whose fault is this? Why is it your fault and not hers? What would have happened if. . . ." etc. until he finally had no alternative but to admit he made a poor choice and that things would have turned out differently if he would have gotten help from a teacher instead of taking matters into his own hands. Kids want to tell us what happened, they don't necessarily want to admit they did something wrong, but they will admit it when you ask the right questions and leave them no other choice. It turns out this kid is actually pretty sad and probably needs a mentor or someone to make him feel better about himself. Now that we've gone through the fire together, I think we'll have the kind of relationship that allows me to help him. The last thing I said to him was, "I'm going to be tough on you because I care so much about you and I want you to be successful. You can do better and I'll be here to help you make better choices." I'm sure it will be two steps forward and one step back, but either way we are making progress.
When we ask students to explain what happened, what choices they made, and why they made them, we teach them about accountability and responsibility. As a classroom teacher, I always made a point of getting a response from a student before I moved on. There was no shruggy-shoulder or "I don't know" in my classroom. If they don't know why they did something, they are apt to do it again. But most of the time they do know. They just don't want to think about it or admit that they did something wrong. We need to have these discussions with students so that we can help them to grow.
When you find yourself in a situation where a child has made a poor choice, don't just ask a string of questions and either answer them yourself or let them drift off into outer space, let the child answer you. "Why did you do that?" (wait for an answer, demand an answer) and go from there. You'll be surprised at how much of an impact this can really make on both behavior and the environment of your classroom.
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